Unhealthy Relationships

Part of recognizing meaningful healthy relationships is understanding the components of unhealthy relationships. In the previous lesson, we discussed important characteristics of healthy relationships with family, friends, peers, and romantic companions. As we begin to talk about some characteristics of unhealthy relationships, you may recognize some of them in your relationships or in the relationships of those you associate with, and that is OK! It is important to recognize that all relationships are imperfect. We are not perfect, and the first step in making changes for the better is recognizing that there is room for improvement. The more red flags or unhealthy characteristics that are identified in a single relationship, the unhealthier that relationship is. Some characteristics are more toxic or dangerous than others; you’ll see some of these characteristics in the profiles below.

 

10 Profiles of People Who Relate in Harmful Ways:1

  1. The people pleaser—This is someone who will do almost anything, even at the sacrifice of his or her own well-being, to receive the approval of others. These people typically are white personalities (going back to the Color Code Personality Assessment from unit 1); they hate conflict and do not really speak their opinion. An example can be found in the following situation:

    Let’s say that you already have too many projects going on, and your friend needs a ride to the airport. Rather than disappoint your friend or any of the other people you have commitments to, you decide to take the friend to the airport and stay up all night working on the projects. That way, you don’t have to tell someone no.

  2. The enabler—This is a person who supports (either actively or passively) the harmful or destructive behavior of another individual. For example, an enabling parent may allow a child to drink underage in the home. Even if the parent disagrees with the behavior, by allowing the child to participate in the behavior, the parent is passively supporting it. It is sometimes easier to passively enable than to confront someone you care about and tell them that their actions are wrong. An example occurs in bullying situations, where there are usually a few bystanders who see the incident but do nothing, either because they are afraid of being bullied or because it is their friend who is actively doing the bullying. In either circumstance, the bystanders are giving support to the bully’s behavior by not doing something to stop it.
  3. The clinger—This is a person who is needy and dependent on others. Clingers have low self-esteem and base their worth on whether or not other individuals are giving them attention, which can be draining for people who are friends with them. An example can be found in the following situation: you receive a text message from your friend; if you don’t respond immediately, then your friend sends you fifteen more text messages asking why you are mad at them.
  4. The fixer—This is a person who tries to fix other people’s problems, often at the sacrifice of their own well-being. Fixers work hard to solve other people’s problems by giving people advice and different solutions; however, most healthy people do not want other people to solve their problems, and most unhealthy people are not motivated by external forces to change. The fixer ends up focusing so much on other people’s problems that they overlook their own and sabotage their chances at healthy relationships. Here is one example: You love to write, but your friend is constantly giving you advice on how to be a better writer even when you didn’t ask for it. This makes you feel criticized and unmotivated to write.
  5. The distancer—This is an individual who usually has been hurt in a previous relationship, either physically or emotionally. To protect themselves from getting hurt again, distancers make themselves emotionally distant from others. This prevents them from developing valuable intimate relationships with others that are lasting. Distancers will have a lot of short, shallow relationships, but because of their fear of being hurt, they will prevent long-term relationships from flourishing. An example would be when your friend goes through a really bad breakup, and instead of coming to you to talk about it, they are closed off and refuse to date.
  6. The controller—This is a person who seeks power over another individual. Controllers are possessive and jealous. Controllers who recognize their controlling tendencies can work to minimize those tendencies and avoid damaging their relationships, but when controllers go unchecked or don’t recognize the problem, they typically become abusive, either physically or emotionally or both. When people they care about make decisions or spend time with others without consulting them first, controllers become upset and can express that anger through abuse. An example situation would be when your significant other is constantly asking, “Who are you texting?" When you don’t answer, they take your phone and break it.
  7. The center—This is a person who needs to be the center of attention at all times. Centers are constantly comparing themselves with others and trying to prove that they are better than others. They couldn’t care less about how other people feel as long as they are receiving the attention they desire. An example of such behavior would be when you are at a party telling a story, and one of your friends interrupts you to tell a completely different story that is all about them.
  8. The abuser—An abuser is someone who is abusive either physically, emotionally, or sexually. Their motive is power, and they will do anything to have power in a relationship, even act in violent ways. Oftentimes after an abusive episode, the abuser will apologize and make unrealistic promises to make up for their behavior when in reality they will repeat the same cycle over and over again. An example could be when you get in a fight with your girlfriend where she scratches you and hits you. The next day she apologizes and says she will never do it again, but this is the fourth time this has happened in your relationship. Because abuse is so harmful and yet common, we will discuss it more in depth a little later in this section.
  9. The liar—This is a person who, to manipulate a relationship, does not tell the truth. Liars don’t lie because they are not capable of telling the truth or because they just want to; they lie because it will help them manipulate their partner’s emotions and responses to get what they want. An example could be when a friend tells you they don’t have any money and asks to borrow five dollars and pay you back later. In reality the friend has plenty of money available; they just don’t want to spend it.
  10. The promise breaker—This is a person who constantly makes plans with others only to flake out at the last moment if something better comes along. Promise breakers try not to make solid commitments because they are afraid of missing out on something more exciting. An example situation would be when you and your friend decide to go see a movie this Friday, and the friend texts you fifteen minutes before the movie saying they are not going to make it because they are going to a party instead.

 

All of us probably have witnessed a few of these characteristics in friends and family and even ourselves. By recognizing those characteristics, we can evaluate our relationships and try to make them healthier. Later on in this lesson, we will be discussing specifically bullying and gangs, and in the next lesson we will be discussing other skills you can develop to help overcome some of these unhealthy characteristics.

Watch the following clip, and see what unhealthy characteristics you can identify.

What kinds of unhealthy relationships were exhibited in the clip? How could the situation have been avoided?

 

Unhealthy family relationships

Families can be complex and difficult; however, just as there are characteristics that are consistent and that foster healthy families, there are also characteristics that can lead to unhealthy familial relationships. Because these characteristics are most common in family relationships, we will be discussing them in this section, but they are not exclusive to families. These things can happen in any type of relationship.

Substance abuse/dependence

Substance abuse and dependence can be a serious situation that affects family, friends, and the abuser negatively.When family members are abusing drugs, they no longer are able to make logical decisions. Because drugs affect the decision-making center of the brain, individuals under the influence of drugs will say and do things they would never do otherwise. This can be extremely toxic and can break trust in the home. And because of the addictive nature of drugs, many individuals will steal, lie, and hurt those they care about most to get their next fix.

Perfectionism

Family members, especially parents, who display perfectionism can negatively impact their relationships with their children and other family members. When parents feel their homes need to be perfect, they tend to fall into an authoritarian parenting style. They will have unrealistic expectations for their children, and harsh punishments when the children do not reach those expectations. Parents who demand perfection in their home spend more time focusing on calendars, agendas, and to-do lists than on the actual emotional needs of their children. While most parents desire order and stability in their homes, parents who desire perfection struggle with being flexible when things change.

Closed, one-sided communication

Closed, one-sided communication is dangerous in families because it can't create a normal, happy relationship. The inability of parents and children to communicate openly or effectively can lead to dysfunction in the home. Communication can break down because families are not spending enough time together to really understand what is going on in each other’s lives or because trust has been broken from previous experiences.

 

Unhealthy friendships

Sometimes we find ourselves involved with friends who are not the best influence on us. This doesn’t necessarily mean we should abandon those friends, but we should also be very clear what our standards are and not be willing to compromise those standards for our friends. Peer pressure is when friends try to persuade us to do things that we initially don’t want to do (though sometimes peers can pressure us into doing things that might be good for us, like joining a sports team or trying out for a play). By knowing your standards and verbalizing them to your friends, you can be aware of when your friends are trying to pressure you into doing things that are against your value system and standards. If such pressure is a constant occurrence, you might want to reevaluate your friendships. Here are some situations where evaluating the health level of your friendships might be important:

Bullying

Bullying is scaring or controlling another person by using threats or physical force. Bullying is not exclusive to friendships; it can happen in any relationship. However, since it is most common in friend relationships, we are talking it about it in this section. For a situation to be considered bullying, there must be an imbalance of power in which one person intimidates another through words or violence, and the situation needs to be repetitive. Bullying is not just a one-time instance; it usually takes place over an extended period of time.2 Bullies can use physical force, such as punching, kicking, and damaging another person’s property, or they can use verbal abuse to harm someone. With the advancement of technology and media apps, cyberbullying has become more prevalent. Because technology can increase anonymity, people will often say things to others online that they wouldn’t say in person. It is important to remember that nothing online is anonymous. Everything can be traced and seen, and what we say online can have a greater impact than we think.

In a bullying scenario there are multiple roles. These include the bully, the target, and the bystander(s). The bully is the one who is actively trying to harm another individual, the target is the individual who is being bullied, and the bystanders are those who see the event taking place. The person in each role has choices to make, and each role can make a difference in the outcome. For example, some bullies choose to bully others because they have low self-esteem. If they were to focus on healthy ways to improve their self-esteem, they wouldn’t spend their time bullying others. How the target reacts to the bully can also have a huge impact on the outcome. For example, later on in this unit you will learn how to communicate assertively. You will then be able to diffuse conflicts that might arise. As a bystander you have the choice of stepping in and saying something, whether you are the bully’s friend or the target’s friend or just a random person who happens to be there when the incident takes place. By saying something in an assertive manner, you can help diffuse the situation and prevent the bullying from continuing. 

Here are a few more pieces of advice for dealing with bullying situations:2

Some bullies can be part of gangs, which are groups of people who claim specific territories and who commit crimes. They often use drugs, carry weapons illegally, and threaten others who are not in their group. There are many reasons why teens choose to join gangs. Gangs can sometimes make teens feel like they fit in and are receiving respect. A gang can provide friendship to someone who is lonely. But if that friendship leads someone to make unhealthy choices or break the law, it isn’t a good friendship. You can have feelings of belonging without joining a gang. Some ways to do that are joining a sports team or a club at your school or in your community; taking classes, such as art or cooking, with others who share your interests; or volunteering to help in your community. All these activities can help you find friends who have similar interests and values.2

 

Unhealthy romantic relationships

Many characteristics seen in unhealthy family relationships and friendships can carry over into romantic relationships. Because abuse is common and there are so many types of abuse, let’s discuss in depth the different types and warning signs of abuse. Abuse isn’t limited to romantic relationships; it is commonly exhibited in many kinds of relationships, which is why we are going to spend some time reviewing the different kinds of abuse and how they affect relationships.

Emotional abuse

Emotional abuse is any behavior meant to make you feel bad about yourself, embarrass you, or be manipulative and controlling. For example, if your significant other is constantly belittling you or insulting you, even if they apologize afterward, it is considered emotional abuse. A more subtle type of emotional abuse is called gaslighting. This is where an abuser manipulates situations, causing the victim to question his or her memory or perceptions of events.3 An example would be if your significant other insults you and then later states that you misunderstood or misheard.

Physical abuse

Physical abuse is any use of size, physical intimidation, or objects to hurt or control someone else. Physical abuse does not just entail actual violence or harm to another person. For example, if your significant other punches the wall right next to your head, that could be considered physical abuse.

Sexual Abuse

Any unwanted contact or attention that is sexual in nature is sexual abuse. For example, if someone is continually pushing your physical boundaries, intruding on your physical space, and then insulting you when you don’t give in, it is sexual abuse.

One particularly heinous form of sexual abuse is rape, which is any forced sexual intercourse. Any unwanted behavior that is sexual in nature can be considered sexual assault. It is important to note that you can say no to any physical contact at any time in a relationship, whether it’s a first date or a marriage of fifty years.

Sexual abuse occurs where sexual consent is ignored. Sexual consent is where both people agree to a specific sexual behavior at a specific time. Just because someone may consent to one behavior, doesn’t mean they will consent to other behaviors. Likewise, just because they consent once, doesn't mean they consent every time in the future. If someone does not consent to a specific sexual behavior, it can be considered rape or sexual assault. If you are ever in doubt as to whether another person is giving sexual consent to a specific behavior at a specific time, it is best to ask the person. It may be a little awkward, but proceeding only with consent is the best way to keep everyone safe both psychologically and legally. For more information about consent laws for minors and consent in general, you can refer to the following website:

PAMF information regarding consent and consensual sex

If you or someone you know has suffered from an unwanted sexual encounter, please seek help or encourage him or her to seek help. Resources are available to help a person cope with such a traumatic event. Help the individual to know they are valued and loved. No one should go through an experience like that alone. Below are a few national resources along with more information on sexual abuse. Also, talking to a trusted adult can help you get in contact with some local resources, such as the following:

RAINN national resources for sexual assault survivors and their loved ones

goodtherapy.org help for sexual assault and abuse

Abusive Relationships in General

Notice that each of these forms of abuse is about control and power. Sexual abuse in particular is a predatory behavior. It is about the predator exercising (or attempting to exercise) control or power over another person. It is not about attraction or hormones, which everyone experiences; it’s about control. The victim’s age and how well the abuser knows the victim do not matter.

Abuse is usually not a one-time event. It often takes place multiple times before individuals seek help. Generally there is a pattern known as the domestic violence (violence in the home) cycle, which consists of the following three phases:2

An image showing the three stages of abuse. In the middle are three arrows in a circle. The arrows connect the three phases of the cycle. Near the top of the circle are the words Honeymoon phase Accompanied by a picture of a bouquet of flowers. The next arrow leads to the words Tension-building phase accompanied by a picture of a rope held together by just a few strands. The next arrow leads to the words Violent-episode phase accompanied by a picture of an explosion.

Three stages of abuse 4

This cycle continues as long as both parties remain in the relationship without seeking help, no matter how many times the abuser promises to change.

It’s not always easy to spot abuse (especially emotional abuse) when it’s happening, particularly in a romantic relationship. Here are some of the warning signs or red flags you can watch for:

Unfortunately, children are not immune to the evils of abuse. Children may react in many of the same ways as adults, but they may also react more subtly.

If you happen to notice these warning signs in others, tell a trusted adult or report it directly to the authorities. You don't need proof to report, only an inclination. Here is a national resource for reporting child sexual abuse.

To protect yourself, specifically to avoid potentially dangerous or abusive situations, while you are dating:

Hopefully you will never experience a scenario where you will need to use these suggestions, but it is always better to be prepared than to wish you were.

If you have been a victim of abuse or bullying, remember that you are not alone and you are not to blame. Tell a trusted adult, and work to receive the emotional or mental help you need. Relief is available for you.

Pornography

Another aspect of unhealthy relationships can be the use of pornography. Pornography can be very harmful to relationships because it can create unrealistic expectations for partners in a relationship. When someone is sexually intimate with another individual, chemicals (known as bonding chemicals) are released in the brain; these create not only a sexual bond but also an emotional bond between partners. Pornography can affect how these chemicals function and make it difficult to emotionally bond with your partner.

Being able to recognize and understand different forms of unhealthy relationships will enable you to create healthy and meaningful relationships in your life.

1. Matthew Roharik, “Lesson 17 Recognizing Harmful Relationships,” in Health and Wellness (Meeks Heit), 179–86.

2.David P. Friedman, Curtis C. Stine, and Shannon Whalen, Lifetime Health (Holt, Rinehart, and Winston, 2004), 104.

3. Natasha Tracy, “Gaslighting Definition, Techniques and Being Gaslighted,” HealthyPlace, https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/emotional-psychological-abuse/gaslighting-definition-techniques-and-being-gaslighted/, accessed April 25, 2017.

4. © BYU